Saturday, October 31, 2009

The Old Gray Mare Ain't What She Used to Be

Growing up, I was the queen of Halloween. Driven by an insatiable love of candy I'd start trolling the neighborhood before dusk. I had a strategy. Go to the row houses for maximum time efficiency per candy drop. Sure sometimes you'd get full size can bars in the rich neighborhood, but some of those people give out pennies, raisins and, damn it all, toothbrushes. I'd take the pillowcases off my parents king size pillows. No matter what I brought home I managed to devour it within a day or two. And that was only because my mother tried to ration it.

Tonight, I realized I've gotten soft. I dressed up in costume to hand our candy. We give out good stuff - brand name chocolates and in the larger fun size not the teensy mini bar. Between visits from trick or treaters, I was reading Deepak Chopra's Perfect Health. The irony wasn't lost on me. I'm not a fan of Deepak, because I think a lot what he says is unsubstanciated crap. I only bought the book because it was 50 cents at the used bookstore and it was autographed by ol' Deepak. I collect autographed books just for the amusement. Deepak signed his, "Dear Vicki, Wishing you the joy of immortality. (Like I said, crap.)

While I was handing out candy, I was enjoying the occasional treat myself. After a few candy samples, I was clutching my stomach in pain. What happened to the iron gut that could gobble down the king sized pillow case of candy? Gone. Frankly, I'm blaming it on reading that Deepak.

If I've gotten weak, so have kids. In my youth, Toostie Rolls which were hard, impossibly chewy and able to pull out a dental filling. The only thing more dangerous was the JuJu Bee. Now Tootie Rolls are sealed like a candy bar instead of just a twisted wax paper. I had a Tootsie Roll and it was soft as butter. Also, the kids don't work for it. One set of kids had their parents driving them around and double parking in front of houses with candy. How lazy can you get? Those kids don't deserve Fun Sized Chocolates. They're just lucky I didn't have a toothbrush to give them.

1 comment:

  1. My friend, I think you need to go into candy-eating training again. It takes time to be able to stomach the plastic chocolate they use in most candies today. One must work at it. One must endure, eating first one candy bar a day, then two, then working up to a Halloween-type event. Let's face facts, lady, you need a candy coach. I volunteer.